Erti kehambaan, hakikat kehidupan

This shall be my tribute to my beloved parents, Mak and E, thou with heavy hearts and teary eyes I am typing this, I feel that I owed them, to tell the world how an amazing parents they have been who have made me who I am today....  It has been almost 4 years (next year) since I lost them. It is a roller coaster ride managing the emotions  guilt and hope love and regrets perhaps utmost emotion that is hard to dealt with was the emptiness of knowing some one who is always there is no longer with you...  Have you ever wrote a long love letter to your parents? Posting it across the continent from Newcastle to Malaysia, making the font as big as I could so both of them could read it. I did....   And I still regret it, I wish I would have written more letters and said more I love you and I am sorry I wish I would taken more pictures with them (as I hate taking pictures)  ...perhaps when I got to be the best student in Convent, you only took picture of me without...

  Here I am back on writing up my blog.  Hello world, talking bout chasing the little dream that all of us have  I wanted to play piano so I joined piano class at the age of 35 years old It is embarrassing and I feel so dumb failing to catch up with the 5 year old but I am glad I did it  I did it and I found I am not as bad, I can do anything at my own pace without looking at others as long as I enjoy them So put down those negative thoughts you have and just pursue whatever you want to, next on my list is Pilates and dance class.   Keep thinking of being alone here restrict my activities, but does it? Perhaps it should make me think otherwise. I have no fix schedule or responsibilities  I can meet new people and perhaps learn from them things that I can't from my circle of influence.  Settling down in a new place is not easy, i am still not settling  Still thinking how do I move on  Perhaps being busy at work is just an excuse for me to...

 As it gets lonelier nowadays, more questions popped up on my mind  I started to understand things more now and questioning less  Staying true to curiosity kills the cat which I disagree so much before but now perhaps it is more relevant than ever  It is so tiring living in this world now I have given up on social media nowadays that everyone is trying to show all in the web as if anyone really cares  I just want to stay true to myself  After passing one of the hardest exam I have ever encounter I felt that one of the heaviest burden has been lifted however many things remained the same still  There will always be new challenges or things which you put on hold to be taken care of  There is no running away from responsibilities  As life is not about sleeping, eating and repeating itself over and over again It is when it has meaning that it is called LIFE where you could LIVE in  Chasing over your dream no matter how ridiculous it could be...

Mother to daughter, Yang Hee Eun & Kim Chang Ki   I thought I had just closed my eyes for a brief second But I've already become old I thought you would always be a little child But you're already grown I still don't know life very well So I don't have much to say to you But with this heart wishing you more happiness I search inside my chest for words to tell you "Go study" no, that's too mundane "Always be kind" no, even I couldn't do that "Love no, that's a hard thing to do Find your own way in life I thought I had lived life long enough But I'm only 15 years old I wanted to always be that lovely daughter of yours But I'm already so unlovable I still don't know life very well So I have a lot of things I want to learn But when you just keep repeating the same words to me I shut the door to my heart more tightly "Go study" I know how important that is too "Always be kind" can't you see I'm ...

 Tomorrow will mark 1 year that mak has left us, it might be like any other day for others but to me it will be the saddest day of my life.  Every now and then, I will miss her phone call that I used to lament about. 'Ema balik makan?' Every now and then, I will wonder how much tissue she would have used if she is here.  Sometimes, I recalled the time we spent stuck together at the hospital and going back and forth from IJN to home, listening to Happy by Pharrell and how she said she liked that song. How she always fall asleep in front of the television and I would always tell her to go in and go to sleep.  Everyday, as I looked back I know all her life she live for others, for me, my sister and my dad.  I hope now she is resting in a better place.  And now, every now and then, I silently pray for her happiness and still hope she will always be looking and praying for me like how she always do. This little hope thou I know those who left has no more attachm...

 I was looking forward for this trip as it would supposed to be a family trip with our dad  So little that we know He has better plans for us and He took him away from us unexpectedly just how Mom left us on 13th October 2021, 12.30am. No words could described how much pain to lost 2 person whom you loved dearly within the span of 9 months but still only to Him I pray for the strength to continue on knowing this is not the end, perhaps a new beginning  Each time I think of them both, the things that come to my mind is I hope I have made them happy, maybe not everyday but I hope I made some happy memories for them just as how they have made mine. Each steps that I have made, on the person I have become I owed it all to them. And nothing I would do to changed any of them and nothing I could do to thank them enough.  I guess part of grieving is to feel remorse , for what have been done or said and what had not been done... As time goes by, we as human will tend to forge...

 I try to hush away all the memories knowing I would break down with regrets  I am not looking forward for this Ramadhan... I know I am at lost  and so Allah I seek strength from You Give me the passion to do my best this Ramadhan thou it is hard to bear not having her with me  I did not spent much time last year Ramadhan as it was Covid time hence I was away most of the time at my rented house  That hurts ....  She never ask for anything Now I will give everything if only she could come back  The only thing she would keep requesting or perhaps sharing her intention is to go Makkah to perform hajj/umrah And I was praying for it to come true I was planning to push her all around His holy home with a wheelchair, I would carry her on my back if I have to  We would wake up so early just to get as close as we can to His Kaabah  But He has better plan for us both And I am still trying to accept His plans It will be ok  Someday  Sooner tha...

 I don't even know where to begin ... It has been awhile since I write on this blog, it has been too long ...  But I feel that I should write many things for her because there were too many things I didn't get the chance to tell her and so I should at least jot it down  for people to know how an amazing person she is, not perfect but just perfect for me and so others might benefit and learn to love their dearest mother more and feel less regrets. And because all memories tend to fade and I am scared so will mine hence I want to capture her while everything is still fresh and beautiful in my memories no matter how hard this is  My mom's name is Jumaah binti Othman, she was born on 5th May 1950 in Hospital Kuala Lumpur her father was a health inspector whom she adored and respect dearly, I remember the story where she told me that during each raya her father will bring her to the salon and get her hair perm along with the other kids, her father will bring her go around...

Bismillah... I haven't done this for awhile many too long while and now I think I need to start doing what I used love doing which is writing Do you know what it means to be 30 but still feel like you are a kid? Today I feel the need to share how it feels to be living with your parents at the age of 30 because it is difficult for me that made me wonder do other people feel the same as me? and as I am trying to be a better me, this is an issue I need to improve on. With the intention of being a good daughter I decided to come back home and stay, to care for them without knowing what I have put myself into :) It is like having a roommate who is annoying but who you can't ignore unlike if it is your roommate, you can either kick them out or move houses. They are some one who you have to accept and love for who they really are, That they make me think how they must have felt when they had me as their new 'roommate' ,  how I use to whine and cry and how they can...

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah For giving me the chance to breath .... Where should I start? Maybe with age I stumbled easily on my words even on my footsteps not forgetting my memory too :) This smile hidden a thousand meaning, trying to make up for the time that you have lost is impossible hence what you can only do is to hope for a better tomorrow I think I have put a lot of time and effort to be a good doctor to my patient and for my own peace of mind, never to think that one day it might come to get me back People may have many perception to what kind of a doctor I am, or a person I am outside/inside of work, I consider myself a workaholic who loves my patient more than I do myself at times, mistakes I have made, too many to be mentioned here, of course I hope it made me a better doctor. Certainly this experience has changed me to be a better person who loves being a doctor( although not fully happy to have to work in Malaysian health care knowing there is...

So many times that I said this to myself, to be a better me than the day before and many times I failed so today I decided I need to start writing again so I will not fail again , if that is even possible Live life with no regrets I hate shaytan and how good they are at making us thinking about WHAT IF! they are just so good at this game and I am so bad at it that this habit of thinking has become the big China wall that stops me from being happy and live my life to the fullest. What happens, happened. Learning to let go is one of the hardest thing to do as well I make mistakes. I am not God hence it is normal but what differs is that you learn from the mistake and not to REPEAT it again. As my job involves people's life I need to admit I am a perfectionist but few times I do make mistake which results in my patient's care and it hurts me badly. Being an MO definitely bears more weight on this shoulder which make me restless at time, the will to do something good c...

Assalamualaikum, It's been so long since I have written anything in my blog. How time flies and not one second this life has not been meaningful in its own special way. No words could express how 2014 has been one of the most challenging year of my life, just as how Malaysia has gone through all the misfortunate events, I too felt the same way.  I started writing so I could learnt and become a better person as human is such a forgetful creature, and I am certainly one of those species. Looking back at the things I have written surely give me some strength and faith to this life, and what I am about to write today I hope will make me smile in the future as well, as I have enough tears to shed. 2014, countless blessings in the form of trials were given to me, having to face it all alone was difficult and now I can imagined how my sister felt back then when I was away, and I hope Lailatulain Abbas you know how it felt for me too. Allah certainly knows how to call me back when...

I wish to make a novel out of my life but maybe that is a bit too much so I will just write it here in my blog, just as a reminder for myself to be a better me, to be thankful of each steps and blessing that He has given to me... i also learnt that this life is full of unexpected things, be it good or bad you can never anticipate what may happen. You do such a well planned but at the end He will decide how things will turn, I have hoped to pass my MRCP part two by this year and travel at least to 2/3 countries never expecting that it will be such this tough ride. I cried but not as much as I thought I should have and I thanked Him for that. I planned so much for this year 2014 as I pray that this life as an MO will be a better life but He planned something better for me... He wants to teach me about what is important in this life, He is giving me a chance of a lifetime :) to care for my only and one MOTHER, so much that I have to sacrifice for this... financial crisis  ...

It make me wonder if i stay would it been better... I did what i did because of them and yet this heart keep on breakiNG.... I KNOW i am not good enough.. .. I tried i failed and i keep on trying but it is never good enough... I see others smiling and genuinely treasuring what they have... Why can't we be like that ? Only He knows what goes through my mind and heart... I wish only for 'keluarga bahagia' but i can only smile in jealousy watching others ooo how i wish.... I pray and i pray.... I know all of these is to purify my intention... And SO Allah please make me strong... As i am growing weaker and weaker, almost on the edge of breaking down... Whatever holds in front me i shall be fine as long as You are with me. And so please guide me... Make me strong... Why must this heart complicate things... Lailatulema abbas just do it...

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah For I am still breathing at the age of 27y/o on the 6th of December 2013, I can never thank Him enough for all the things that He has given me, never once He has disowned me although many times I feel otherwise being a weak servant of His. Finally, my MO years will start here in Batu Pahat district Johor. Another chapter of my life in my search to find true meaning of this life... There is only two person in my life who thought the real meaning of Love, being foreign to have a lover's love in which I am not actively searching for one as the love I currently has suffice me. And this year I want to be more and more thankful than before in my heart, my act and word and so I am telling this story.... I learnt that love will make you smile and cry, It is a cure but can also be a poison, That it is beautiful when you longed for it, That yes it is true, distance makes the heart grow fonder, and a mother's love & father's ...

'you did all the dangerous things that I dislike' ... It appears as I have always been a disappointment to him... but this is my way, my way to treasure my life, to feel that I am alive Alhamdulillah I managed to do wall climbing today  http://www.camp5.com/  and it was amazing and I want to do it again probably being serious about it too! With a bruise at my right elbow as a proved that I did it ,I went home feeling satisfied to reach my short term goal. Today I learnt, .. getting down is much harder than climbing up, this makes me think about those people who committed suicide due to bankruptcy after reaching their highest point in their life and suddenly being hit hard to the lowest point in their life, that must how it feels like. And life is just that, you thought that after reaching/passing the things that you aimed for you are done for but unfortunately you will find another bumpy rides, but you just have to go on, you can't cling on to the present forev...

I have just watched one of the talk show who interviewed one of the celebrity (which I don't know who) and how she mentioned most of her life she was shadowed by the need to have a man to define who she really was... and I was astonished at how true her words are, most of the women I have met, including those near to me for example my mother feels exactly the same way... and me without realising this before am thankful for I am at peace for not having any men to over shadow or to define who I am, definitely due to Him and the gift to be able to understand the real meaning of life. With the opportunity that I get to study in the UK and travel to some part of the world, I must say that it is just how it is any where in this world, I am not saying that it is wrong, certainly it is a bless to find that perfect match and for him to be able to protect and perfect each other BUT it is also all right to not meet that special person and be happy with what you have... not to be jud...

Every one expect for a better change in their life, and so do I. Life is an ever going long journey for the mind,soul and physical, There will never be an end to it unless He decided that it is the time, And until then, you shall continue in this journey with all your might, No matter how tough it gets, With your very last breath you are suppose to strive and leave the rest to Him. And with only faith that your heart can be at peace, Knowing that only Him that matters and life here means nothing more than a play. Just like how the sun shine, refreshing and brightened up the life, never it fails Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, On the 18th of October 2013 marked my day as an MO, unfortunately I know nothing will change nor be better. Life gets tougher as you go on, so I know I will pull through, but these two years taught me a lot about myself and others. The extent to people will go to achieve what they believe, which is a good thing in the beginning but ...

Again, His test befall upon that soul, Just as His promise, She said that word that always make me become speechless, ‘All my life I have been tested but all I can do is be patience.’ Indeed you have me dear beloved, Only Him and me know how much you have been through, Since I was little, tears never leave you, Just as He promise, He is always testing you,me... us Again I keep asking why,  searching for the reason or maybe someone to blame, But at the end that is not what this test is for, Life is too short to dwell on why or why not, It is about finding the meaning in every steps that we take, Hence, instead of asking why, I should be asking what and how will we get through this, And we will get through this, Together, As long as He is with us, Even if the sky fall upon us, We will be all right, InsyaAllah. O Allah, I think every soul is trying their best to survive in this cruel world, although it may seem wrong, I know you are...