Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Because life is all about surviving the challenges

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah

For giving me the chance to breath ....
Where should I start?

Maybe with age I stumbled easily on my words even on my footsteps not forgetting my memory too


This smile hidden a thousand meaning, trying to make up for the time that you have lost is impossible hence what you can only do is to hope for a better tomorrow

I think I have put a lot of time and effort to be a good doctor to my patient and for my own peace of mind, never to think that one day it might come to get me back

People may have many perception to what kind of a doctor I am, or a person I am outside/inside of work, I consider myself a workaholic who loves my patient more than I do myself at times, mistakes I have made, too many to be mentioned here, of course I hope it made me a better doctor.
Certainly this experience has changed me to be a better person who loves being a doctor( although not fully happy to have to work in Malaysian health care knowing there is a better promising job prospectus )

On 3rd of September 2015 at IPR I was unfortunately admitted, yes as a patient and was diagnosed with Pleura Tuberculosis on 4th of September 2015 and started on antituberculosis for 6 months. I fully understand that many doctors just like any other human being bear the risk of getting any diseases, including the incurable one. I am very thankful that myself has been infected by this disease which is curable and non-debilitating as much as the other disease may have done.

But I wouldn't want this just to be a memory, I need to document this somehow so I would remember how it feels like to be a patient, more over on how much this has an impact on my own self.

I have been taking care of the isolation/ tb cubicle for a month, hesitating much at first but I couldn't believe how much I have enjoyed and love the company of my patient, for the first time I actually feels that I am providing a holistic care towards my patient unlike my daily routine of treating the disease itself and having to ignore the social aspect.

Every day I will meet Mr.C, Mr.S,Mr. C and few more as the 'regular'

Story 1
Mr.C is a mid 40s chinese man who has been on chest tube for 3 weeks by the time I took over his care , unfortunately he may have Lung Cancer which may have spread which means a poor prognosis, never once he complained to me about the pain of the chest tube, he look worried but always cooperative and smiling.

He used to be a contractor -works with tiles and stuff (which I suspect may work with asbestos which may cause the Ca) who has a wonderful wife- 'isteri saya muda lagi, anak saya 5 orang' is what he always told me with tears running down his eyes.... He told me he needs to go back to work to support his family and one day I guess he could not take it anymore he absconded with the chest tube along, and amazingly he survived the 2 hours journey of riding a bus and walking 5 flight of stairs!!!

And he absconded on the day I was on call and guess what I did

We went to his house knowing the risk of pneumothorax with him having the intact chest tube, he actually was holding a knife pointing at me ' saya tak mahu balik wad dr' , at that point I surprisingly was not scared but I feel sad for him, he live in a small apartment , just enough for them... when I enter the room I understand why he needs to be home, to get well and how our bad news did break him...

I just go near him and said, 'Saya mahu tolong uncle' and he looked at me with a sad face and alhamdulillah put down his knife, I know he would not hurt us, even more me whom I think has been a good acquaintance of his, or I hope so.

We talked and the rest of it well was not important, just am thankful he is fine. and so do I

Story 2
Mr.A is a 25 y/o malay gentleman whom his story maybe a lot like me, perfectly well and yet not so well inside. Again having a chest tube inserted more than what has been promised but never once laments about the pain he has to go through. I thought he would lost it as well but fortunately he didn't and pull through!

Many other stories that I feel like writing, unexpected diagnosis that crumble their life in just a second, or some that called for the relatives to reach out for them before letting them go for good but it would take me all night to do that.

And when I saw my own CXR that day, the words spilled out ' Whose CXR was that?it is pretty bad' 'itu doktor punya xray'

I still feels it was like a dream and to this day I haven't actually let it sink in yet,not  fully yet at least I think I am still in the acceptance part .....

Pain is only an illusion that is what I have told myself, my patient
NOOOOOO it is not!

Having a chest tube is definitely a different experience, trust me! With every breath I feel like a sharp knife was being cut to my lungs. And if you are not so lucky like myself, unable to tolerate tramal, having Paracetamol and NSAIDs as your only means of analgesia I just feel like it was the end. And not being able to speak or cry because it will only make the pain worst, even more every movement.

I only pray that my fate will not be like my patient, to have other incurable diagnosis or having to keep the chest tube for much longer time period.

At that time, I fully understand the pain they have to undergo which I overlooked most of the time. Thankfully I stayed at a first class ward with my sister who have helped me through my stay and them.... if only I could show the picture of our isolation cubicle.... and most of the time with no visitors and nurses who have no enough time to care for them due to the overcrowded of patient.

I feel more angry with the health care system... I could vent it out here but I know it will not bring any changes. Instead I think I should re think of what I should do now to be able to change the system. Maybe doing internal medicine isn't the best option...

I am not the only one having this disease, surprisingly it is more common than you think. Well, we all understand it well when we sign up for this. And for me, it is just a wake up call for many things - wanting to work with UN/WHO means more risk for many other work related disease transmission, to revise my career plan and to appreciate the 5 before 5 and maybe not to work too hard

 (em the part for PPE I think I have done it as best as I could)

Furthermore, the risk that I have  put towards my family...

At the end of the day, all is well , Alhamdulillah

I have learnt more about myself and others, I want to thanked every one who has been wishing me well and taking the time to visit me.

To my family, my amazing mom who is 65y/o and E who is 76y/o but still visit me everyday , they hired a taxi and  go through all the traffic (30 mins journey could make up to 2 hours journey) ; walked up and down those stairs just to see me.... O Allah how could I repay them, I 'm sorry that I made you worried.
I love you and I hope that I can take care of you both just as how you did to me.

To my sister, no matter what happened, at the end I know you will have my back always. Thank you for putting aside whatever feelings that was there at that time. For caring for me like I am a baby :) I love you no matter what , i hope you understand that.

Efang , I am glad you are back just in time for me,haha I know it is not for me but it was just at the right time, for driving after your dreadful day at work (still having to go to work the next morning) just to give me words of comfort and big hugs when I need it and you brought me cake! I love you

See, knowing you are around made me less nervous and scared, thank you for being there and always checking up on me. I definitely owe you two a big meal!

Nad, your visits meant a lot, that long talk was due for far too long! I miss you and I am happy to see you, I hope you will pass your exam and everything goes well for everything, you know what I mean. I love you

Sharon for always checking up on me, my relatives, colleagues, specialist,friends near and far - for the prayer and wishes, thank you. (sorry that I couldn't mention all names)

 Seriously I don't think I can get through this without any of you

To all my colleagues in this field, please take good care of yourself, take the necessary precautions and work hard but enjoy your life too please!

I hope I will be strong no matter what lies ahead
,not knowing what awaits me...
in this journey in searching for 'erti kehambaan, hakikat kehidupan'

Somehow I feel like my life is like a cable car, hanging in one end not knowing when will I reach the destination, but the route to the destination is scary at times, still with an amazing view, at times you have difficulties going up at times it goes downhill so smoothly and you get too carried away on the surrounding that you forget your destination

And for me I will take a long break to rest and just enjoy my life doing whatever :)

Call me up for some catching up! I'll be free :) or just wait for my calls, this definitely teach me not to wait for later but treasure the now!

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Making another new chapter in my life

So many times that I said this to myself, to be a better me than the day before and many times I failed so today I decided I need to start writing again so I will not fail again , if that is even possible

Live life with no regrets

I hate shaytan and how good they are at making us thinking about WHAT IF! they are just so good at this game and I am so bad at it that this habit of thinking has become the big China wall that stops me from being happy and live my life to the fullest.

What happens, happened.

Learning to let go is one of the hardest thing to do as well

I make mistakes.

I am not God hence it is normal but what differs is that you learn from the mistake and not to REPEAT it again.
As my job involves people's life I need to admit I am a perfectionist but few times I do make mistake which results in my patient's care and it hurts me badly. Being an MO definitely bears more weight on this shoulder which make me restless at time, the will to do something good can turn to be the opposite and you may end up with a death in your hand. Guilt and all the negativity can drown you , or maybe it is just me being bad at dealing with it, I will think so , so I can let it go and learn from it. So I can be a better doctor. Being a Muslim helps me so much, knowing that only He is the Most Protector and Helper, and me being a Dr. and not a life saviour, I am just  there to help and give my best, where else the results is no where within my power.

I am happy to be back, I won't lie to myself I never regretted of coming back but at the end of the day, all the things that happened since I got here has been planned perfectly by Him, I thanked Him for giving the opportunity to care for my mak and E. O Allah please never let this heart and body become tired to care for them coz I know how easy it is for me to take things for granted.

so that is my first lesson
tomorrow shall be another story to make a better me


Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Erti kehambaan, hakikat kehidupan


It's been so long since I have written anything in my blog. How time flies and not one second this life has not been meaningful in its own special way. No words could express how 2014 has been one of the most challenging year of my life, just as how Malaysia has gone through all the misfortunate events, I too felt the same way.

 I started writing so I could learnt and become a better person as human is such a forgetful creature, and I am certainly one of those species. Looking back at the things I have written surely give me some strength and faith to this life, and what I am about to write today I hope will make me smile in the future as well, as I have enough tears to shed.

2014, countless blessings in the form of trials were given to me,
having to face it all alone was difficult and now I can imagined how my sister felt back then when I was away, and I hope Lailatulain Abbas you know how it felt for me too.

Allah certainly knows how to call me back whenever i waiver on this path,
and I am very thankful to Him. O Allah I know I complaint more than my share, I can never be perfect in Your eye but I do hope the slightest smallest steps I make will keep me safe to You, always until the end of this journey.

I am re thinking all of my priorities and future plan,

I learnt that life is full of surprises and not every thing will go according to plan,
to have patience is such a difficulties but with time, if you just wait, you will be amazed at how much you can put up with,
I need to let go of the sacrifices that I have made,
to be sincere is hard to do, to forget and not expecting anything in return will set the soul free and make me a happier person,
I have to accept that I will make mistakes,
even more in this field that I have fallen in love so deeply with,
to be human means to get back from each fall and to learnt not to make the same mistakes twice,
I have to stop judging people,
to be fair to myself and so i will just continue making the smallest change I can do because I want to do it with/without others because I judge people so they'll be like me which is unfair
I will love as much as I can although it hurt,
to love is to get hurt, then only you know it is true, nothing else more to it

I pray for a better year this year,
I hope to be a better person than the year before,
to grow as much as I will enjoy this life,
and please O Allah let me meet my other half if it is the best, maybe while in a trip and maybe someone from different culture, background :)

Please I so need to join usrah with istiqamah!

and please keep my mak n E healthy and guide all of us to Your path. Ameen Ya Rabb.

back to the past, written in June 2014

I wish to make a novel out of my life but maybe that is a bit too much so I will just write it here in my blog, just as a reminder for myself to be a better me, to be thankful of each steps and blessing that He has given to me...

i also learnt that this life is full of unexpected things, be it good or bad you can never anticipate what may happen. You do such a well planned but at the end He will decide how things will turn, I have hoped to pass my MRCP part two by this year and travel at least to 2/3 countries never expecting that it will be such this tough ride. I cried but not as much as I thought I should have and I thanked Him for that. I planned so much for this year 2014 as I pray that this life as an MO will be a better life but He planned something better for me...
He wants to teach me about what is important in this life, He is giving me a chance of a lifetime :) to care for my only and one MOTHER, so much that I have to sacrifice for this...

  • financial crisis 
  • my career development, all those planned need to be postponed until she is well and get back on her feet
  • my work progress as i am taking half paid leave which will affect my services later on 
  • traveling as my priority now is my family, as the only breadwinner and carer of the family I need to set my priority right one wrong decision will also cause a devastated effect to those I loved

weighting through it all is difficult, many times I shed my tears thinking why must it be me, am I a bad person, did I not do Him right? but many times it occurred to my mind, have you forgotten of all the blessings He has given to you? do you expect a rosy pathway after all of these? further more being much separated to the path I used to take, I actually deserve this! I shouldn’t spent my time dwelling too much on the problems asking all the 5Ws’ in stead I should think about the solution and be grateful that He is knocking on my door and so I continue on although it is hard to bear... 

my family is such of peculiar to others but also to myself... if only you knew... if only i could share, Allahu Allah and so I get lonely easily on this road, unlike others... I dislikes their action but I love them as well. He is truly testing my sincerity and faith... but know one thing for sure, the story of Prophet Ibraham will always be my favorite, a story where I would hold dearly until the end... 

know that not everything needs an explantion
things happened, just because
you have the right to question but you have no power to change it
and so you find your ground and reasoned with it and continue on
accepting it will be hard but it will come a day when your heart will be at peace
maybe not now but some day
so just smile and treasure the moment that you are living now
stop regretting the past
start looking for what matters most
get lost in the way but always come back to the guided path

and that’s your faith

Thursday, 19 December 2013

Give me strength

It make me wonder if i stay would it been better... I did what i did because of them and yet this heart keep on breakiNG.... I KNOW i am not good enough.. .. I tried i failed and i keep on trying but it is never good enough... I see others smiling and genuinely treasuring what they have... Why can't we be like that ? Only He knows what goes through my mind and heart... I wish only for 'keluarga bahagia' but i can only smile in jealousy watching others ooo how i wish.... I pray and i pray.... I know all of these is to purify my intention... And SO Allah please make me strong... As i am growing weaker and weaker, almost on the edge of breaking down... Whatever holds in front me i shall be fine as long as You are with me. And so please guide me... Make me strong... Why must this heart complicate things... Lailatulema abbas just do it...

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Mak & E & b'day

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah

For I am still breathing at the age of 27y/o on the 6th of December 2013, I can never thank Him enough for all the things that He has given me, never once He has disowned me although many times I feel otherwise being a weak servant of His.

Finally, my MO years will start here in Batu Pahat district Johor. Another chapter of my life in my search to find true meaning of this life...

There is only two person in my life who thought the real meaning of Love, being foreign to have a lover's love in which I am not actively searching for one as the love I currently has suffice me. And this year I want to be more and more thankful than before in my heart, my act and word and so I am telling this story....

I learnt that love will make you smile and cry,
It is a cure but can also be a poison,
That it is beautiful when you longed for it,
That yes it is true, distance makes the heart grow fonder,
and a mother's love & father's love can never be replaced,
That no matter how grown up you think of yourself you will always be their small child who needs protection and affection.

But, they are also human being,
Who hates being alone,
Who needs all the love in the world could give,
Who loves them and their dark side,
And to know that some day they will leave this world and hope to see their child survive in this cruel world safe and sound

My father is a peculiar and an odd man, a man that I can never manage to understand no matter how hard I try, who is only a human being with many weaknesses that I hope a father wouldn't have but he is MY father, the only man who always put me first before others, who with all his might tries to be the best father he could be (within his own perspective)

My mother showed great courage and patience raising us, taking care of my father that I can never imagine I could achieve. Who has been test with many difficulties since she was born but never she has given up, she always manage to strive through all of the trials and I hope that she will pass this current test as well. ameen.

Mak, E looking back 27 years of my life I am never good enough of a daughter for both of you, full of complains and rudeness, at times I cause you to cry, this year I hope to be a better daughter to both of you because this 2 years of my life I learnt so much about life and death, being old and alone, how sharp can words be especially from the loved one, I hope and I pray that Allah will give the patience to care for you with all my might, although at times I will behave childishly, and I start off by this... I don't think I need to tell a tale of what I have gone through but it is difficult, only Allah's know, and I hope He is looking down on us and will guide us so we can be together in Jannah, the only thing that I ask of Him...

I hope He will give us time to experience 'syurga di dunia' together... ameen ya Rabb
-Alhamdulillah so happy mak dah pakai tudung , how can I be thankful enough o Allah, forgive all of our sins.ameen

Saturday, 26 October 2013

I did it my way

'you did all the dangerous things that I dislike'

... It appears as I have always been a disappointment to him... but this is my way, my way to treasure my life, to feel that I am alive

Alhamdulillah I managed to do wall climbing today and it was amazing and I want to do it again probably being serious about it too!

With a bruise at my right elbow as a proved that I did it ,I went home feeling satisfied to reach my short term goal.

Today I learnt,

.. getting down is much harder than climbing up, this makes me think about those people who committed suicide due to bankruptcy after reaching their highest point in their life and suddenly being hit hard to the lowest point in their life, that must how it feels like. And life is just that, you thought that after reaching/passing the things that you aimed for you are done for but unfortunately you will find another bumpy rides, but you just have to go on, you can't cling on to the present forever

the third climb I was feeling fatigue and trembling, just like how life is, after facing all the challenges you will feel tired, it is for sure, so you just need to take a rest, refill back all the energy you needed and then continue climbing those obstacles just like you have done before

getting hurt along the way is normal, it is the risk that all of us destined to experience but that is what that will make you stronger and a beautiful prove that you did it! with much hardship I succeeded :)

This 6 days of long awaited holiday, I may not be flying high experiencing other people culture and life, but I learnt to know about my current self and manage to set up few goals in my life just to get me back in the game, this 2 years as a HO really has changed me, I hope it is for the better