Sunday, 12 April 2015

Making another new chapter in my life

So many times that I said this to myself, to be a better me than the day before and many times I failed so today I decided I need to start writing again so I will not fail again , if that is even possible

Live life with no regrets

I hate shaytan and how good they are at making us thinking about WHAT IF! they are just so good at this game and I am so bad at it that this habit of thinking has become the big China wall that stops me from being happy and live my life to the fullest.

What happens, happened.

Learning to let go is one of the hardest thing to do as well

I make mistakes.

I am not God hence it is normal but what differs is that you learn from the mistake and not to REPEAT it again.
As my job involves people's life I need to admit I am a perfectionist but few times I do make mistake which results in my patient's care and it hurts me badly. Being an MO definitely bears more weight on this shoulder which make me restless at time, the will to do something good can turn to be the opposite and you may end up with a death in your hand. Guilt and all the negativity can drown you , or maybe it is just me being bad at dealing with it, I will think so , so I can let it go and learn from it. So I can be a better doctor. Being a Muslim helps me so much, knowing that only He is the Most Protector and Helper, and me being a Dr. and not a life saviour, I am just  there to help and give my best, where else the results is no where within my power.

I am happy to be back, I won't lie to myself I never regretted of coming back but at the end of the day, all the things that happened since I got here has been planned perfectly by Him, I thanked Him for giving the opportunity to care for my mak and E. O Allah please never let this heart and body become tired to care for them coz I know how easy it is for me to take things for granted.

so that is my first lesson
tomorrow shall be another story to make a better me


Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Erti kehambaan, hakikat kehidupan


It's been so long since I have written anything in my blog. How time flies and not one second this life has not been meaningful in its own special way. No words could express how 2014 has been one of the most challenging year of my life, just as how Malaysia has gone through all the misfortunate events, I too felt the same way.

 I started writing so I could learnt and become a better person as human is such a forgetful creature, and I am certainly one of those species. Looking back at the things I have written surely give me some strength and faith to this life, and what I am about to write today I hope will make me smile in the future as well, as I have enough tears to shed.

2014, countless blessings in the form of trials were given to me,
having to face it all alone was difficult and now I can imagined how my sister felt back then when I was away, and I hope Lailatulain Abbas you know how it felt for me too.

Allah certainly knows how to call me back whenever i waiver on this path,
and I am very thankful to Him. O Allah I know I complaint more than my share, I can never be perfect in Your eye but I do hope the slightest smallest steps I make will keep me safe to You, always until the end of this journey.

I am re thinking all of my priorities and future plan,

I learnt that life is full of surprises and not every thing will go according to plan,
to have patience is such a difficulties but with time, if you just wait, you will be amazed at how much you can put up with,
I need to let go of the sacrifices that I have made,
to be sincere is hard to do, to forget and not expecting anything in return will set the soul free and make me a happier person,
I have to accept that I will make mistakes,
even more in this field that I have fallen in love so deeply with,
to be human means to get back from each fall and to learnt not to make the same mistakes twice,
I have to stop judging people,
to be fair to myself and so i will just continue making the smallest change I can do because I want to do it with/without others because I judge people so they'll be like me which is unfair
I will love as much as I can although it hurt,
to love is to get hurt, then only you know it is true, nothing else more to it

I pray for a better year this year,
I hope to be a better person than the year before,
to grow as much as I will enjoy this life,
and please O Allah let me meet my other half if it is the best, maybe while in a trip and maybe someone from different culture, background :)

Please I so need to join usrah with istiqamah!

and please keep my mak n E healthy and guide all of us to Your path. Ameen Ya Rabb.

back to the past, written in June 2014

I wish to make a novel out of my life but maybe that is a bit too much so I will just write it here in my blog, just as a reminder for myself to be a better me, to be thankful of each steps and blessing that He has given to me...

i also learnt that this life is full of unexpected things, be it good or bad you can never anticipate what may happen. You do such a well planned but at the end He will decide how things will turn, I have hoped to pass my MRCP part two by this year and travel at least to 2/3 countries never expecting that it will be such this tough ride. I cried but not as much as I thought I should have and I thanked Him for that. I planned so much for this year 2014 as I pray that this life as an MO will be a better life but He planned something better for me...
He wants to teach me about what is important in this life, He is giving me a chance of a lifetime :) to care for my only and one MOTHER, so much that I have to sacrifice for this...

  • financial crisis 
  • my career development, all those planned need to be postponed until she is well and get back on her feet
  • my work progress as i am taking half paid leave which will affect my services later on 
  • traveling as my priority now is my family, as the only breadwinner and carer of the family I need to set my priority right one wrong decision will also cause a devastated effect to those I loved

weighting through it all is difficult, many times I shed my tears thinking why must it be me, am I a bad person, did I not do Him right? but many times it occurred to my mind, have you forgotten of all the blessings He has given to you? do you expect a rosy pathway after all of these? further more being much separated to the path I used to take, I actually deserve this! I shouldn’t spent my time dwelling too much on the problems asking all the 5Ws’ in stead I should think about the solution and be grateful that He is knocking on my door and so I continue on although it is hard to bear... 

my family is such of peculiar to others but also to myself... if only you knew... if only i could share, Allahu Allah and so I get lonely easily on this road, unlike others... I dislikes their action but I love them as well. He is truly testing my sincerity and faith... but know one thing for sure, the story of Prophet Ibraham will always be my favorite, a story where I would hold dearly until the end... 

know that not everything needs an explantion
things happened, just because
you have the right to question but you have no power to change it
and so you find your ground and reasoned with it and continue on
accepting it will be hard but it will come a day when your heart will be at peace
maybe not now but some day
so just smile and treasure the moment that you are living now
stop regretting the past
start looking for what matters most
get lost in the way but always come back to the guided path

and that’s your faith

Thursday, 19 December 2013

Give me strength

It make me wonder if i stay would it been better... I did what i did because of them and yet this heart keep on breakiNG.... I KNOW i am not good enough.. .. I tried i failed and i keep on trying but it is never good enough... I see others smiling and genuinely treasuring what they have... Why can't we be like that ? Only He knows what goes through my mind and heart... I wish only for 'keluarga bahagia' but i can only smile in jealousy watching others ooo how i wish.... I pray and i pray.... I know all of these is to purify my intention... And SO Allah please make me strong... As i am growing weaker and weaker, almost on the edge of breaking down... Whatever holds in front me i shall be fine as long as You are with me. And so please guide me... Make me strong... Why must this heart complicate things... Lailatulema abbas just do it...

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Mak & E & b'day

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah

For I am still breathing at the age of 27y/o on the 6th of December 2013, I can never thank Him enough for all the things that He has given me, never once He has disowned me although many times I feel otherwise being a weak servant of His.

Finally, my MO years will start here in Batu Pahat district Johor. Another chapter of my life in my search to find true meaning of this life...

There is only two person in my life who thought the real meaning of Love, being foreign to have a lover's love in which I am not actively searching for one as the love I currently has suffice me. And this year I want to be more and more thankful than before in my heart, my act and word and so I am telling this story....

I learnt that love will make you smile and cry,
It is a cure but can also be a poison,
That it is beautiful when you longed for it,
That yes it is true, distance makes the heart grow fonder,
and a mother's love & father's love can never be replaced,
That no matter how grown up you think of yourself you will always be their small child who needs protection and affection.

But, they are also human being,
Who hates being alone,
Who needs all the love in the world could give,
Who loves them and their dark side,
And to know that some day they will leave this world and hope to see their child survive in this cruel world safe and sound

My father is a peculiar and an odd man, a man that I can never manage to understand no matter how hard I try, who is only a human being with many weaknesses that I hope a father wouldn't have but he is MY father, the only man who always put me first before others, who with all his might tries to be the best father he could be (within his own perspective)

My mother showed great courage and patience raising us, taking care of my father that I can never imagine I could achieve. Who has been test with many difficulties since she was born but never she has given up, she always manage to strive through all of the trials and I hope that she will pass this current test as well. ameen.

Mak, E looking back 27 years of my life I am never good enough of a daughter for both of you, full of complains and rudeness, at times I cause you to cry, this year I hope to be a better daughter to both of you because this 2 years of my life I learnt so much about life and death, being old and alone, how sharp can words be especially from the loved one, I hope and I pray that Allah will give the patience to care for you with all my might, although at times I will behave childishly, and I start off by this... I don't think I need to tell a tale of what I have gone through but it is difficult, only Allah's know, and I hope He is looking down on us and will guide us so we can be together in Jannah, the only thing that I ask of Him...

I hope He will give us time to experience 'syurga di dunia' together... ameen ya Rabb
-Alhamdulillah so happy mak dah pakai tudung , how can I be thankful enough o Allah, forgive all of our sins.ameen

Saturday, 26 October 2013

I did it my way

'you did all the dangerous things that I dislike'

... It appears as I have always been a disappointment to him... but this is my way, my way to treasure my life, to feel that I am alive

Alhamdulillah I managed to do wall climbing today and it was amazing and I want to do it again probably being serious about it too!

With a bruise at my right elbow as a proved that I did it ,I went home feeling satisfied to reach my short term goal.

Today I learnt,

.. getting down is much harder than climbing up, this makes me think about those people who committed suicide due to bankruptcy after reaching their highest point in their life and suddenly being hit hard to the lowest point in their life, that must how it feels like. And life is just that, you thought that after reaching/passing the things that you aimed for you are done for but unfortunately you will find another bumpy rides, but you just have to go on, you can't cling on to the present forever

the third climb I was feeling fatigue and trembling, just like how life is, after facing all the challenges you will feel tired, it is for sure, so you just need to take a rest, refill back all the energy you needed and then continue climbing those obstacles just like you have done before

getting hurt along the way is normal, it is the risk that all of us destined to experience but that is what that will make you stronger and a beautiful prove that you did it! with much hardship I succeeded :)

This 6 days of long awaited holiday, I may not be flying high experiencing other people culture and life, but I learnt to know about my current self and manage to set up few goals in my life just to get me back in the game, this 2 years as a HO really has changed me, I hope it is for the better

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Anonymous, P/S I adore you

I have just watched one of the talk show who interviewed one of the celebrity (which I don't know who) and how she mentioned most of her life she was shadowed by the need to have a man to define who she really was...

and I was astonished at how true her words are, most of the women I have met, including those near to me for example my mother feels exactly the same way...

and me without realising this before am thankful for I am at peace for not having any men to over shadow or to define who I am, definitely due to Him and the gift to be able to understand the real meaning of life.

With the opportunity that I get to study in the UK and travel to some part of the world, I must say that it is just how it is any where in this world, I am not saying that it is wrong, certainly it is a bless to find that perfect match and for him to be able to protect and perfect each other BUT

it is also all right to not meet that special person and be happy with what you have...

not to be judgemental towards me for not having any one to hold my hands and walk with me when I am outside.

I learnt that I, naneun,

Love maturity with a brainer,
Looks doesn't matter,
As long you have a sincere and warmth heart,
Treasure life just as much as death,
Love a life with guided freedom,
Look forward for the journey rather than reaching the destination,
Willing to sacrifice for the sake of others although we may ended up hurting each other

til then, I am content with what I have and all I can say is Alhamdulillah

geogjeonghaji maseyo ;)